Q&A ABOUT AN ARTICLE & A BOOK

Q&A ABOUT AN ARTICLE & A BOOK

James R. Fisher, Jr., Ph.D.
© September 14, 2008


SEVERAL WRITERS WRITE:

Is your book, THE TABOO AGAINST BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND, in anyway connected to THE READER’S DIGEST piece “Do Unto Others…”?

DR. FISHER RESPONDS:

The answer is, “Yes.” I took the first rule of that piece – “To have a friend, you must be a friend, starting with yourself” – and wrote the book, “The Taboo Against Being Your Own Best Friend” (DeltaGroup 1996). I wrote it because of the positive response to the article and the periodical’s skyrocketing “call for reprints,” and because I found most self-help book not helpful.

What THE TABOO attempted to do:

(1) Introduce the reader to himself: On the inner flap of the book’s flyleaf is this quotation: “We are all authors of our own footprints in the sand, heroes of the novels inscribed in our hearts. Everyone’s life without exception is sacred, unique, scripted high drama, played out before an audience of one, with but one actor on stage. The sooner we realize that the more quickly we overcome the bondage of loneliness and find true friendship with ourselves.”

(2) Deal with the United States of Anxiety: This is a crazy age, and craziness has become the norm, accepted as real with the focus always on looking for pundits and gurus, books and ideas to answers questions to problems of which we, alone, have the answers.

(3) Illustrate why conforming is the wrong prescription to coping: For the individual to realize identity, he must rebel against his acculturating programming, and then reintegrate it into a viable system that reflects his authenticity. Otherwise, the individual goes through life always looking for answers external to him, or becomes preoccupied solving other people’s problems while his own go unattended.

(4) Realize common sense is uncommon: What everyone knows to be true isn’t necessarily so. The herd mentality of true believers is a force to be reckoned with all one’s life. This force is predicated on the need “to belong,” “to be accepted,” “to be valued.” Lost in the equation is self-belonging, self-acceptance, and valuing self.

(5) Show how it takes six weeks to create a habit and a lifetime to overcome one: Fertile enticements to habit formation are “needs.” Good habits serve us; bad habits serve others. Smokers, drinkers, carousers, liars, stealers, gossipers, and druggies need others to legitimate their self-ruin. They cleverly use the leverage of “needs” to induce those innocent to smoking that first joint, daring them to try that first drug, challenging them to live “dangerously,” which are usually illegal and self-negating.

(6) Indicate the need for intimacy is real: We call it love, but love is not sex, yet love is sensual. It is neither being “the most beautiful,” “the most talented,” nor “the most anything,” as association or achievement cannot develop intimacy. Intimacy must first involve an honest appraisal, understanding and acceptance of self. The process is simple: self-awareness leads to self-acceptance and materializes into self-assertion. How do we know it is so? We are not afraid to say “no” when “no” is our best recourse, or when to go it alone when it is our most prudent course.

(7) Know that material affluence is no gauge to spiritual health or well being: The evidence is overwhelming. We live in a society of too much luxury and too many options with “good times” coming too soon. Nothing of value is ever realized without the cost of application, pain, struggle, risk, disappointment, discomfort, and inconvenience. When these factors are summarily avoided, as they have tended to be over the last several decades, we have the sick material society in which we live.

(8) Understand that pleasure is not bad; pleasure is simply not enough: It is normal to avoid pain and to seek pleasure, but when there is only pleasure and no pain then it becomes a dull ache in our side as pleasure is never enough. Boredom sets in, and we crave distractions. These lead to self-indulgence as we forget that we are dying all the time, and never find time to live and grow where pain resides.

(9) Demonstrate that there is a dual conundrum facing us every moment of existence: We are either self-creating or self-destructing. We are never static, never still. We are either experiencing self-realization or self-defeat, not in the eyes of others; nor in terms of the number of college degrees we have earned, or the number of zeroes in our bank accounts, but in terms of the level of our happiness. Happiness is not a function of being “the best and the brightest,” going to the “right” universities, pursuing the most “prestigious careers,” or being celebrated by others. Happiness is a function of following our own bliss and being involved in ennobling work, or love made visible. This can find us a butcher, baker, candlestick maker, or a myriad of other activities. All honest work is divine.

(10) Explain how the paradoxical dilemma is now, not tomorrow: We live in a leaderless society in which all the rules of old no longer apply or work, while all the rulers of old are lost in their own excesses and indiscretions. Meanwhile, followers wait for a correction that never comes, too lame to take control, too self-indulgent to see the handwriting on the wall, too self-absorbed to realize the future is a crumbling present, and Humpty Dumpty are us!

(11) Recognize that we are at war; it is not our borders, which need protection, but the boundaries of our minds, the frontiers of our wills: We have made a frontal retreat from our values to become fugitives to our fears, often taking residence in the violence of meaningless language. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. Now we are in an age inundated with words without meaning. These words separate us from ourselves forcing on us the hard work to reconnect with ourselves in a world beyond words.

THE TABOO was published in 1996 to little fanfare. In nearly two decades, it has failed to lose its relevance. What is outlined here represents central themes of the book, which are alive with experiences of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances against the backdrop of the times.

James R. Fisher, Jr., Ph.D.

For more information see Dr. Fisher’s website: www.fisherofideas.com or check out his books on www.amazon.com.