IS THERE AN ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM?
RESPONSE TO "BE HAPPY, DON'T WORRY!"
James R. Fisher, Jr.,
Ph.D.
© March 1, 2014
REFERENCE:
If you like statistics, for every missive I post, it is
usually not before 10,000 have read it, mulled it over in their minds, digested
it, and then taken the trouble to compose a compelling and succinct essay that
responds to what I have written. This response emphasizes a truism:
We are all connected,
and as discouraging as it might be for us to consider, we think essentially
about the same things, not only because we have similar equipment with which to
do so, but because subliminal stimuli bombards our senses with the same
incessant messages.
A READER WRITES:
Dr. Fisher,
One statement in your "Be Happy" piece prompted me
to sit down this morning and write about something that has long been
fermenting. Your statement was, "The major problem in life is
one we never discuss."
I am following your example, and passing it on w/o letting
it age and solidify overnight, and probably will be appalled when I re-read it
tomorrow. The title of my piece is this:
The Often Erotic and Potentially Dangerous “Elephant in the Room”
Dare we even discuss it?
The subject is one that rarely exists outside perhaps a trusted counselor’s
quarters, or maybe overheard briefly in a mental ward. It is that secret and private life we all
live.
It takes place only between our ears. The thoughts that we
are certain would disgust and appall our closest friends and loved ones.
Careful scrutiny will reveal that It is a necessary
construct of an evolved society. The
very nature of our modern interdependence requires that we must too often
maintain polite and functional relationships with persons we don’t like or
respect. To the extent that we can hold
harsh judgments or highly erotic thoughts without acting on them is the
foundation of, and makes up the fabric of a civilized society.
We witness the catastrophic results when the barriers to
acting on those types of thoughts fail to constrain behavior. I leave to the reader to think about current
international conflicts, with innumerable deaths injuries and displacements. School shootings, sexual violence in the
military and the work place, and family violence are familiar and
heart-breaking consequences of instances of the “Elephant,” escaping the realm
of thought and morphing into destructive behavior.
At a personnel level, what should we make of our own
unsharable thoughts? Should we try and
displace them with healthier subject matter?
Is it even possible? If (or is it
presumptuous to say when) displacement fails, should we experience guilt?
What about our developing children?
Do we reveal the existence of the “elephant” in everyone's
room by following the example of our parents, that is, letting our children struggle with
their own inner-thought demons?
If you were expecting a resolution to the quandary, you will
be sadly disappointed. However, maybe it
would relieve a psychological burden if we all were aware that our inner
thoughts are really not that unique, or different from those of others.
The only thing others have a right to know (and often a
duty) to judge is our behavior.
GQ
In a way, thought is
a movie picture in our head, which we may try to edit without success.
It is our private entertainment, which we need
share with no one. As much as we might
desire, others cannot understand what belongs only to us and not to them, no
matter how close others are to us.
Thought, pleasure and
pain ride on this elephant and it doesn’t always take us where we intend to
go. But don’t despair. It is endemic to our society. We seldom end up where our dreams promise we are going.
There isn’t an
enterprise no matter how sophisticated that doesn’t have its “elephant in the
room,” often the elephant takes it where it doesn’t intend to go.
We have seen this
with the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, with Obamacare, with failed interventions. Before we declare our biases, or attempt to justify them, the “elephant in the room” does not discriminate between Democrats and Republicans, Catholics and Protestants, Jews and Palestinians, and so on. It is common to them all.
That said thought can
be controlled counterintuitively by embracing it and allowing it to flow in the
privacy of a walk, a shower, painting the house, working in the garage or
garden, listening to music, and I don’t mean the noise that goes for music
today, shooting baskets, strolling through the mall, or any number of quiet-
like-times when the self is unimpeded. It has no agenda.
Some call this “meditation.” I call this our creative verve, which is
obvious in the tempo and cadence of your remarks. You should do this more often. It is not only healthy, but wise.
The kind of thought I’m
talking about doesn’t leave a mark. It
is like the eagle in flight, not like the person trying to solve a
problem.
The thought is free. When it is free, the “elephant in the room”
is quiet. There is nothing to fear. The ledger is empty.
The mind is a
wonderful playground. When the mind is
allowed to release verbal explanations and nonverbal perceptions, it discovers
that the explanation is never the thing described for words can never be the
thing. Words, as you point out, are not
actions, but actions are expressions of the state of the mind. Society has confused this all of my life.
Ergo, when the mind
gives itself permission to inquire, as you have been doing, about its biases,
conclusions, concepts, ideals, and ideas, you are moving towards intimacy and
away from fear, for there need be no fear at all. You are love.
With love, there is peace. There is no place for violence as there is no rationale to
justify it.
Religions, and I'm speaking of the four major religions, all commenced with this thought in mind, only to become entangled in explanations and perceptions losing their way into violence.
Thank you for
sharing.
Dr. Fisher
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