INTRODUCTION –
You deserve to be self-confident!
PART ONE
CULTURAL DOMAIN
CULTURAL DOMAIN
ONE – It’s Hard to be Confident When Our Culture Makes us Feel Otherwise!
TWO – A Counterintuitive Idea: Please-Self in a Culture of
Self-Deprecation
THREE – Cage of Human Inattention as a Closed System FOUR – The Subtext
of Life & Its Meaning!
FIVE – When the Incidental becomes the Accidental becomes the
Norm, then there is No Place for Self-Confidence!
SIX
– Continuity/Discontinuity: A Mind
Self-Ignorant of Itself!
PART TWO
PSYCHOLOGICAL DOMAIN
PSYCHOLOGICAL DOMAIN
SEVEN
– Confidence & The Most
Important Sale !
EIGHT – The Secret Language of
Relationships
NINE – Self-Realization &
Self-Defeat!
TEN – The Dissembling Nature of
Identity & Its Costs
ELEVEN – Understanding Others
TWELVE – Be Your Own Best Friend!
THIRTEEN – The Palliative to Anxiety
FOURTEEN – Is it More Important to be Love or Respected?
FIFTEEN – Confidence, Coping &
Culpability
SIXTEEN – The Confluence of Essence &
Personality
SEVENTEEN – Who
are You, Where are You, Right Now?
EIGHTEEN – If it doesn’t start
early, chances are One’s Identity will be
like riding a Roller Coaster!
NINETEEN – Just say, “No!”
– The hardest word in the English
Language to say!
TWENTY – The Soul of the Enabler versus
the Chameleon
TWENTY ONE – Virtues
of Enablers
TWENTY TWO – Prisoners of the Mind
TWENTY THREE – What would you do if nobody
found out?
TWENTY FOUR –
Self-Esteem notwithstanding, it is
what you are that counts!
PART THREE
WORK DOMAIN
WORK DOMAIN
TWENTY FIVE – Who is in charge?
TWENTY SIX –
Choosing a Profession & Taking
Control of Your Life!
TWENTY SEVEN – Teaching Smart People how to Learn!
TWENTY EIGHT – Love what you do!
TWENTY NINE –
How Losers become Winners! They never
quit!
THIRTY – Life is what we make it, not what others make of us!
THIRTY ONE – Are you trying too hard?
THIRTY TWO –
The importance of everyone! Plumber,
Electrician, Dr. Steinmetz
THIRTY THREE –
Genius realized! Getting first
published at age 96!
THIRTY FOUR –
When Men Won’t Work
& the Women Who Carry Them!
THIRTY FIVE –
Men like to Soar; Women like to Stay
Rooted!
THIRTY SIX –
Taking charge! The best Expert is
one’s own Experience!
FINAL WORD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
INTRODUCTION
YOU DESERVE TO BE CONFIDENT!
BUT WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?
BUT WHAT IS CONFIDENCE?
The brave man is not
he who feels no fear, for that were stupid and irrational; but he whose noble
soul subdues its fears, and bravely dares the dangers nature shrinks from.
Joanna Baillie (1762
– 1851), Scottish poet
We all
have our own idea of what confidence is. Confidence is often defined in terms
of believing in something or trusting someone else. For example, "We
have every confidence in our staff." That is not how it is defined in
these essays. Confidence is defined in terms of subtext or subconscious; in
other words, the interplay between the conscious and the subconscious mind in
acts of behavior.
Confidence in
Subtext is evident when people know
when to “go for broke” and when not to; when to develop a relationship
and when not to; when to take a promotion and when not to; when to join a
company or community or organization and when it would be wise to take a pass;
when to invest and when not to; when to buy a home, an automobile or some other
major purchase and when not to; when to take the advice of others and when not
to; when to go it alone and when not to; when to leave a profession, a job, a
community, a relationship, a church, school or company and when not to; when to
counter-intuitively push the hot buttons of someone else and when not to; and
when to be emphatic, say in a sales call, and when not to.
Confidence is belief
and trust in oneself. It is being comfortable in one’s own skin and therefore
equal to the tasks at hand, but confidence has nothing to do with feeling
certain.
Nor
does the confident person display superiority or preeminence in any way. On the
contrary, the confident person recognizes limitations, but is resolute in developing within those limits. He knows that he
may sometimes falter, prove less than equal to the task, but will not get down
on himself. Instead, he will learn from experience and trust his Confidence
in Subtext.
This confidence is not
learned in a book, taking from a course, attending a seminar, or following a
set of rules. It is using the gifts that everyone has but in which we have not been schooled in how to use them.
Norman Vincent Peale
published “The Power of Positive Thinking” (1952) after WWII, which was
a collection of inspirational essays. It captured the mind of the time looking
for a simple formula to regroup and go forward after the terrible trauma and
sacrifice of that Great War.
Dr. Peale advised his
readers in this self-help book that confidence can be attained by positive
thinking through practice, training, and knowledge by talking to people. It
was a rote agenda that fit the natural American inclination to optimistic
thinking.
This rationale has
survived despite a retinue of seemingly constant disappointments. It is all
right to see the glass half full, but it is equally sensible to wonder how to
fill the other half of the glass. The confident person doesn’t approach the
issue of confidence mechanistically, programmatically, or ritualistically.
These tools are passé.
He does it by
thinking with his whole body not just his mind. His confidence is derived from
engaging his subtext. And what is subtext? Subtext is allowing the subconscious
mind to connect and integrate with the conscious mind. In other words, the
intuitive mind connects and is integrated with the cognitive or rational mind
as thinking is now with the whole body; with both sides of the bicameral mind.
Often what surfaces is counter-intuitive to what one would expect to think or consider
doing in a given set of circumstances
Confidence in
Subtext cannot be taught. It can only
be experienced. Confidence in Subtext is accumulative in learned experience.
In chemistry, the
valence of the atom determines the vigor with which atoms combine with other
atoms of the opposite charge. The higher the valence the greater the activity.
Confidence
in Subtext mirrors
this physical chemistry phenomenon. To state it another way, the confident
person embraces rather than retreats from his anxieties. I learned this first
hand as a chemical sales engineer making cold
calls to prospects in the field.
At first, I didn’t want to make the calls. My hands would sweat, my temples
would ache, and I was afraid I would stutter, embarrassing myself and looking
stupid. But I had no choice. I had a young family to feed and I was a long way
from my home roots. So you could say I had motivation. You could also say I was
terribly self-conscious which is antithetical to Confidence in Subtext as
this book intends to show.
Once
I broke the ice, once I made that first call, and then the next, and the next
after that, I learned an important lesson about confidence. My contacts were
found to be as nervous as I was; apprehensive and suspicious that I was there
to take advantage of them. I didn’t think this; I felt this. Their
nonverbal behavior was speaking to me, loud and clear, which I ignored at
first. But finally, after much anxiety, I started to listen; and in listening I
played back to them what I felt they were feeling; what they were saying
without saying anything. Or if they said something provocative, “Your
products are too expensive,” I would play back these exact words so they
could hear what they had said.
Once we worked through
this awkward stage by talking and listening, developing common ground, and
getting to know each other. In the process, we found we were not buyer and
seller; we were not adversaries, but partners attempting to solve a problem.
Confidence is the
bond of trust within oneself and between the two parties without mentioning the
word or thinking about the idea of trust. The relationship has moved beyond
words where the buyer and seller are not only on the same page, but anxious get
off on the same dime!
It
is natural, given our programming, to shield our minds of ideas that appear
counterintuitive. The shield of resistance is for self-protection and is
normal. Time and good intentions, rationalists insist, reduces the icy distance
but not before encountering some combative resistance.
But rationalists
would be wrong because this is thinking in terms of “chronological time,” or
one-step-at-a-time, when Confidence in Subtext is a factor of “psychological
time,” or thinking and acting, right now!
Once we think with our
whole body; once we break through the wall of our own distrust; once we
establish self-trust, Confidence in Subtext is allowed to provide insight
into the situation. The barriers of distrust are dissolved without making that
appeal.
Confidence in Subtext is what
happens when two people fall in love at first sight! A data bank of complex and
detailed information floods the mind, information with which neither party is
aware, processes them in an instant.
The mind, body and spirit are focused on giving, not getting. This is
learned behavior through experience. It is where the unknown and unpredictable
are encountered; where criticism and disappointment are endured; where surprise
and failure are components of success. Experience can build to confidence if we
are willing to tap into our subtext with all its nuances. But alas, many of us
have damaged subtext, and this too, will be addressed in these pages.
By nature,
I am shy, introverted, reclusive and an introspective person. In the field, I
found this not a handicap but an asset. Also, I am more comfortable listening
and processing information than talking. I didn’t understand it at the time, but
listening eases the discomfort of others by putting them in control giving them
power over the situation. The result is that you are in control without being
in control and therefore able to assess the subtext of the situation without
appearing to be doing so.
HOW “CONFIDENCE IN SUBTEXT” IS DIFFERENT
Confidence
in Subtext is a departure from books
discussing confidence as it is asking the reader to think differently on
purpose. This book is about countless examples of people who have used Confidence
in Subtext without actually knowing they are doing so. It is a new concept
but actually an ancient practice.
Two
examples are given here that do not appear in the book. The first example is
when I was a novice chemical sales engineer in the field and about to lose my
job for a faux pas.
After
traveling two weeks with the area manager of Nalco Chemical Company, I was
asked what I had learned. I candidly replied, “Nothing as the calls had all been social calls. You never asked any customer what was needed
to improve their operations with our chemical systems.”
I was
given a score of marginal accounts to service, and told to find a new job
within six weeks. I could upgrade these marginal accounts and call on
competitors accounts in my area. One competitor’s account was huge with three
plants in the town of Connersville, Indiana where Philco Corporation
manufactured refrigerators and air conditioners.
“I’m here to save your job!”
The main
Philco plant was several acres under roof with the superintendent’s bull pen in
the middle of the plant. It was chaos with corroded and clogged pieces of pipe
on his desk indicative of failed systems in Nalco’s technology. After waiting
an hour in this bull pen, with workers answering phones reporting crises in
several production lines, the superintendent came in, lit a cigarette, sat on
the end of his desk, and said, “You’ve got five minutes, sport, what have
you got for me?”
“Matter of fact,” I said, “I’m here to save your job.”
It was my Confidence
in Subtext that found me blurting out that outrageous remark, but it had
foundation.
Our
competitor had had the business for 25 years and were obviously not paying
attention to poor maintenance. Nalco hadn’t called on the plant in several
years because of this long term history. Looking at the superintendent, his
disheveled and nervous state, feeling with a rush his out-of-control manner,
the declarative statement came out. I received a blanket order and a three
month trial for the three plants. A few years later when I was promoted to Nalco’s
corporate management team, Nalco still had the account, and the superintendent
still had his job.
To Sell What Mr. Blue Will Buy You Must See Mr. Blue Through
Mr. Blue’s Eyes
Now, as a
member of corporate management, I was sent to Paramaribo, Suriname not to save
this operation of an international Alcoa account, but to appease the local
Alcoa management for our dilatory service. Nalco
Chemical Company was responsible for the chemical water treatment of the
massive electrical utility that powered this aluminum smelting operation.
When I
arrived, the Managing Director told
me a story about the superintendent of this utility and the impact of his
holiday with no one knowing where he had gone. The plant shut down after a
violent electrical storm. “We lost millions of dollars during that delay,” he
added. “Before we located the superintendent in Switzerland.”
I asked if
I might make an attempt to talk to the superintendent since I was here, the
Alcoa compound being some 60 miles away in the bush. “There is little chance he’ll talk to you,” the managing director
advised, “but since you’re here you can give it a try if you like.” Then, he added discouragingly, “But I don’t see the point. He doesn’t want
to work with your people anymore, and he’s made that point quite clear.” I
said nothing. Then he added, “If he does
see you, and you give him any grieve, I’ll have your job!”
The guard
at the compound stopped my car at the gate, walked over and said, “I don’t think he’ll see you. He’s mad as
hell at your company.” I gave the guard my note, and asked him if he would
call the superintendent and read the note to him over the phone. He read the
note, Dear Mr. Superintendent, after traveling these thousands of miles,
would you have the courtesy of firing me and my company to my face?
Twenty
minutes later in a cloud of dust a Jeep arrived with a sandy haired and bearded
young American in equally sandy work clothes and boots waving me to come
through the gate. He got out of his car, told me I had guts to “come out here,” and then blasted Nalco
for what seemed forever. Again, I didn’t say a word.
Finally,
he smiled, “You had balls to write that note.” All the time he was
studying me. He asked me where I was staying in Paramaribo. I told him. “What
do you think of living out here for a couple of weeks?” I said, “Fine!”
“You
don’t mind giving up that cushy pad with all those beautiful women?” I just smile. “Then I’ll have your gear shipped out
here. I want to show you something.”
For the next four hours, I was audience to a slide show of all the
things wrong with the power utility relating to chemical water treatment
failures; failures Nalco never addressed because “Nalco never had boots on
the grounds.”
When he
finished, he asked me what I thought. I told him it was clear he was into
quality maintenance, addressing chronic problems at the source, and required
the chemical engineering expertise on site to see that these conditions were
resolved; and once resolved, prevented. Then I added that clearly Nalco had not
been providing such services and he was right to be angry with us.
In Confidence in Subtext language, he was angry because no one
paid attention to him until he was not available when the utility was shut
down. Outside the compound, there wasn’t a house, a building, or even a tree on
the horizon. The note got his attention; the next two weeks renewed the
contract with Nalco with a consulting agreement that
would justify sending Nalco’s chemical engineers to assist this superintendent.
It was such counter-intuitive work as these two
examples that got the attention of my minders, while at the same time
confounding them. It was the reason I went back to the university to acquire a
Ph.D. to understand the nature of this phenomenon that I came to practice. The
university did not have the answers as it was a factory like the one I had
left. It had to be worked out in my consulting work and to eventually come to
be described in this book.
James R. Fisher, Jr., Ph.D., April 25, 2017
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