THE DIFFICULTY IN BEING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

No greater taboo exists than that against being our own best friend.  Instead of cultivating loyalty, trust and belief in ourselves, we are encouraged to put the interests of others before our own, to trust experts rather than what our own experience teaches us, and to look for heroes, not to focus on the compelling drama of our own lives.

Popular culture espouses the importance of self-knowledge but celebrates self-indulgence.  “How to” and self-help books feed this indulgence as self-acceptance is left out of the equation, which is critical to self-improvement. 

Self-help books paradoxically sponsor self-rejection, which feeds self-doubt.  What is implied is that we are the last person to trust, the last person to have answers, and so we look elsewhere.  The greater this obsession the less real we are to ourselves.  Ergo, a self-help focus can become a way to avoid self-responsibility.  Read no further if you seek such a book, as BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND is not for you.

We find ourselves in a society in transition moving away from the linear certainty of a lifetime job and fairly predictable ends.  We are entering a nonlinear diversity society where the simple rules no longer apply nor the unwritten codes that guide behavior. 

In the past, deeds drove work and now words drive deeds.  We are in the information age with many electronic devices that connect us to each other while separating us from ourselves.  Fortunately, our bodies and minds are adaptable complex systems.  Enormous streams of information can be taken in, processed, compressed, absorbed or discarded in manageable sound bytes without a second thought. 

That said, too much complexity and we experience burn out as if one foot is on the accelerator and the other on the brake burning up rubber and going nowhere. 

We live in a time in which order constantly flirts with chaos.  Massive lay-offs, plant closings, shifting work requirements and deteriorating personal relationships can impact anyone at anytime.  If this wasn’t bad enough, we are inclined to make matters worse by rewarding ourselves with conspicuous consumption and punishing ourselves by failing to save for such emergencies.  Economic security is the foundation of psychological security.

Too often we have an undeclared war with ourselves. Two realities exist in every situation.  Everything is precisely as it seems, and exactly the opposite.  Contradictions are the endemic vicissitudes of life, something to embrace not avoid.  Contradictions are the grist to reality and self-acceptance.  Nothing is either/or but either and or.  Popular culture promotes simplicity and sharp distinctions.  They don’t exist. 

It has become normal to show different faces to different people, and still a different face to ourselves.  Most would deny this there programming is so complete. At the core, self-hatred dwells.  This seeds the problem.  Hatred feeds on itself only to explode one day in a spontaneous emotional harangue.  As much as some loathe others (some pursue loathing as a career), nothing compares to self-loathing. Were we of another mind, we would be more kind to ourselves, more self-forgiving and better able to roll with the punches.  We would be less volatile, vengeful or out of control. 

Words are meaningless when they fail to aid us in accepting ourselves as we are and others as we find them.   Especially seductive are words such as time and money.  Money is a compelling subject from many perspectives.  Everyone, rich or poor, worries about money.  We think if I have enough money:

• No one can hurt me
• I will have security
• I need never to be alone, never grow old
• I need never be afraid, never worry

Money is believed to be life’s elixir while the evidence shows that people with a lot or little money seemingly have similar if not the same emotional, relational and health issues. 

Time, chronological time, is made an enemy to conquer when that is impossible.  Time gauges life in terms of quantity (hours, days, weeks, years) not quality (happiness).  Looking forward to retirement forfeits the pleasure of work at the moment, while living longer can prove an obsession with little to do with living happier or better. 

Psychological time relates to now, what you are doing now, not what you did, or are planning to do in the future. 

If you are watching too much television, it is now that you should decide to watch less.  If you are addicted to your iPad and iPhone, it is now that you should put them aside, not later.  Being constantly reminded that time is flying is to reveal the mind is dead to its own longings.  To change a habit or behavior has little to do with chronological time but everything to do with psychological time.  That is why smokers that quit cold turkey are less likely to resume smoking than those that use a patch or quit one-step-at-a-time. 

Subliminal stimuli bombard our subconscious throughout the day with artificial wants that have little to do with legitimate needs.  It is hard to know if we are in control or playing out someone else’s agenda as we look and behave so much like each other, reacting in the same manner to the stimuli that anyone who departs slightly from this norm is likely to shock us. 

Were we only to pause a moment we would realize we come into the world alone and we leave the world alone.  What transpires between the coming and the going is our own individual affair as we are in the constant company of ourselves. 

It is well to remember:

We are all authors of our own footprints in the sand, heroes of the novels inscribed in our hearts.  Everyone’s life, without exception, is sacred, unique, scripted high drama, played out before an audience of one with but one actor on stage.  The sooner we realize this the more quickly we overcome the bondage of loneliness and find true friendship with ourselves. 

Life is not a journey absent of struggle, pain, fear, disappointment or discouragement.  Should we embrace life and its challenges, we escape the prison of mind, and being captive to someone else’s agenda.  Alas, we find ourselves on the other side of the river hugging the shore with contentment and satisfaction. 

With this in mind, let us look at the crazy age in which we reside that discourages such an epiphany.

James R. Fisher, Jr., Ph.D.

© December 3, 2012